From my stall-like office near the lunchroom I can hear the sounds of lunchtime; the microwave door slam, the opening and closing of the refrigerator door, and my coworkers making their daily selections at the vending machine. First the change, then the beeps of the button press, then the whirring of the wire rotating and the thud of the snack’s fall - this is how I know its lunchtime. I can recognize the sound of processed filled cupcake product hitting metal and smooshing a little against it’s cancer causing plastic wrapper. Purely for the thrill, I contemplate creating a distraction and then swooping in superhero style and steeling my slow moving coworker’s snack out from under that flap at the bottom. I bet he wouldn’t even see me replace it with an apple or some veggie crisps. ‘Another ignorant helpless automaton saved by Girl Who Tries Hard to be Healthy’ the narrator would say. As the reality of the situation sets in, I realize the lunchroom is getting more crowded by the minute. I watch everyone there milling about with their lunch sacks, gerbils in a cage, eating from their dish. Some crowd near the water cooler, some by the coffee feeder. Odd looking meat products with processed ‘cheese’ sandwiched between nutritionally valueless bread.
After lunch I sit in my chair at the computer and contemplate what inconspicuous chair exercises I can do so that my rear end and thighs do not resemble moon craters when I get to retire in about 1000 years. I picture my fantastic legged cavewoman ancestors, whose occupations included chasing their own food during the day, hunting and gathering, and not getting eaten by something bigger. Imagine what they would think of us, these clothed office blobs sitting behind a lighted screen for nine hours pressing buttons. If I were them I’d hit us with their club and use us as fuel, who could blame them? I settle on in-chair calf raises and coffee mug thigh squeezes, invisible to my passing colleagues.
My first job out of college, the angry looking human resources representative installed a computer program for me that would remind me to exercise my eyes throughout the day and stretch. A little stick figure man would pop onto the screen at three hour intervals and perform various seated exercises with a smile on his face. Then a dot would come onto the screen that you could chase around with your eyes to force them to focus in different areas. ‘Seriously’, my coke bottle eyeglassed friend said, ‘if you don’t do this you’re eyes will slowly waste away and you wont be able to see long distances anymore’. If he was any indication, office dwelling was also going to cause opposite sex hormone production, constant sweating, and unwanted hair growth.
As Sarah Jessica Parker once said, a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit. Unlike the lions and tigers that our finely toned ancestors evaded, today’s hunters are more cleverly disguised. Chasing me on our vacation and road trip a few weeks ago were two of the 21st century’s most clever predators – Fast Food Franchise and Large International Coffee Chain. While their native habitat was previously off ramps, shopping centers, and busy arterials these cleverly evolving hunters are now disguising themselves as hip meeting places with wifi and comfortable seating. At one point I was lured in by the sign showing leafy vegetables and the snappy music emanating from the door, only to be faced with the same product in a cuter outfit waiting to fill me full of calories and pocket my cash. Some of these clever hunters target our young. I have even witnessed free food product being given away at the finish line of a kiddie fun run. A little cholesterol with that exercise Johnny?
Take hold my fellow office dwelling, television watching, fast food eating friends; this is just evolution running it’s course. Those of us who try to care what we eat, exercise, and abstain will pass along our predator evading genes to the next generations. The rest of us will get eaten by lions – or killed while texting with our ‘smart’ phones.
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